2nd Month, 10th Day, 548 Issue 2-1

Irreverently Published by Rose & Thorn Press "News so fresh, it pre-dates the printing press!"

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Bizarre Path of STD Outbreak Puzzles Medical Researchers       Parasonnea -- At a press conference on Thursday, the Centers for Cure Disease (CCD) spokesperson Barney Ranklespanker announced the classification of a new contagion known as Gonneraxil. "This STD is unique in that we can't make sense of the incidence dispersal data," explained Ranklespanker. "It seemed to be spreading west across the continent of the Southlands, then it appeared in Tear. After that it just started showing up randomly everywhere. Most suprisingly, it has even appeared in dragons."       When asked what precautions the public should take, he replied "Citizens should refrain from engaging in any physical contact that gives the DM silly plot ideas." After additional questioning, he admitted that "'Gonneraxil' just doesn't sound as catchy as the CCD's last disease name, 'Slimy Doom'." Person on the Street: What's your favorite anime? Vina, Goddess of Dischord: Record of Lodoss War. Just the mention of the name Kardis makes me feel all tingly in my nether-regions. Toras Cycloneaxe, Dwarven Guard Captain: I liked Strange Dawn, it had midgets beating each other with sticks. Magraravich, Pit Fiend: Demon City Shinjuku. I was actually one of the sketch models used. Pax Deos, God of Peace: I really like Hana Yori Dango. But then again, I suck. Cherie SilverRose, Cleric of Aurora: Isn't that stuff all porn? Xerces, God of Destruction: Word up! I like Dragonball Z 'cause they blow $#|% up! Its all phat and $#|%, yo! Qorzaq, God of Anarchy: Excel Saga, of course. But not FuriKuri, that's too freaky even for me. Sadie, Goddess of Brutality: La Blue Girl and Legend of the Overfiend are OK....for sissies!!! They're just not hardcore enough for me!

Lantern Archons Call for Strike       The Upper Planes -- Members of Lantern Archon Union Local 737 voted unanimously Friday to enter into a all-out strike. "Look, all we really want is respect. We're heavenly beings that exist to do good works, not some kind of celestial taxicab," stated chapter president Gertrude Fizzlelimper. "No one takes us seriously because we always speak with soft, musical voices. But we're not to be trifled with. We have a CR of 2, which means that we're as dangerous as 12 monkeys!"       She continued by saying "Portable holes are a workplace hazard. What if some moron sticks another extradimensional space inside? If spellcasters don't start treating us with dignity, they'll have to ignore us and use a different spell to get around. So there!"       In an unrelated event, a great wyrm red dragon was slain by 151 monkeys. Ex-Monk to Attempt Leap to Mysterious Blue Moon       Parasonnea -- Raven Silverhawk, founder of the Fists of Vengence, has been recently been preparing to break the worlds' record for the highest vertical jump. "I'm gonna jump all the way to the blue moon! I've been loading up on magical items to enhance my jump skill," Miss Silverhawk told reporters. She then proceeded to beat the living hell out of the reporters. "They looked at me funny! You got a problem with that, bucko!?" she told the fleeing survivors. - Advertisement -

Scientists Study Rare Form of Insomnia Problem is possibly linked to Toughness       Greater Pariveda -- Scientists at the Greater Pariveda Corporate Conglomerate Heavy Industries Defense Force Research Center (also known as the Greater Pariveda Corporate Conglomerate Heavy Industries Defense Force Research Facility) are studying a rare and perplexing form of insomnia. Victims of this insomnia share one major common factor: they have seen, heard about, or imagined the death, loss, destruction, misrepresentation, or discomfort of someone, something, or someplace that existed somewhere at sometime or another.       "Most of them can fly and shoot beams of non-elemental energy, but I'm sure those facts are completely unrelated to this matter," said scientist Harold Jingleswacker. "Its truely a sad illness. They're all so terribly Awake."       One insomniac, Jerry Strapbucket, told us his story. "There's, like, this movie or whatever, I think it was called Twisted Arrow or something. Its got, like, Christian Slater and that guy from Pulp Fiction in it. John something-or-other. Y'know who I'm talking about. Well anyway, I actually didn't see the movie, but this guy in my health class named Bernie did. And he said that, like, this guy steals a bomb or something and at one point he, like, points a gun at some chick's head. And I figured it'd be pretty darn traumatic if someone pointed, like, a gun at my head, y'know. And since then, I've been Awake."

	IN OTHER SECTIONS
Extra: Spurned lover, Vernon Blossom, mauled by candyshark.	Travel: The Astral Traveller tells which cities in the Outlands have the highest incidents of Vrock attacks. Plus, a full-color tourism map of Limbo.	Sports: Terrible Liars: 1 Gullible Fools: 0

Twin Worlds Times is a satirical newspaper written by Neobolts. Twin Worlds Times uses invented names in all its stories, except Eric Noah and in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Futhermore, if your last name is Ankleschlonker, you have our sympathy. Rose & Thorn Press is a ficticious entity. twinworlds3e@japan.com

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